#1 Know The Signs:
Toddler tantrums have many signs and phases. The initial rumbling phase typically has physical features unique to your toddler. They might start pulling at their ear, or growing slightly red in the face, or mutter certain phases. This phase develops into a second phase where they become outright defiant and you might hear the word “NO” ….. a lot. The third phase then may develop into an outright meltdown, involving flopping to the floor, screaming and shouting and banging fists. The nanosecond you see that first phase: distract, distract, distract. When you notice the first sign of a tantrum, always try to distract and re-direct them to an alternative toy, activity, or place to go.
Other Examples are:
Call out unbelievable phrases, (Look at the flying unicorn, is that an aeroplane in our garden, I hear fairies singing)
Burst into song yourself (if you are not somewhere too public, you could also do a little jig)
Challenge them to a race, to somewhere very nearby. (Children at this age are becoming very motivated by winning races….)
#2 Reduce Your Language:
Sometimes in the “tricky moments” our tendency can be to use a lot of words for our toddler. The ability of your toddler to process language at any stage of the tantrum phase is limited. The extra demand of processing your words might in fact pour oil on the fire. If in doubt zip it up or use 1/2-word directions only. Alternatively, use non-verbal cues such as gesture or a photo/visual of what you need them to do. Having a small A4 whiteboard to draw on is a good tool to have in your toolbox. Non-verbal communication at any phase of a tantrum is super effective. Also, avoid asking them questions at any stage of the toddler tantrum.
#3 Be Ready For Transitions:
Transitions are always hotspots. Transitions include anything from moving from the car to the house, leaving preferred places, ending preferred activities. Try to do a quick analysis of the regular transitions you need to make with your toddler and be prepared for the ones you know are hotspots.
Prevention is always the best strategy. If you are aware of your toddler’s triggers and the contexts in which they occur, you will be one step ahead. A five -minute countdown to finish a preferred activity can also help stave off a tantrum. This will help prepare them for moving on to the next activity. Show them five fingers at the start of the countdown, and alert them to each minute passing using the commensurate number of fingers.
#4 Tell Them The Plan:
Sometimes meltdowns occur when children aren’t sure about what is going to happen next. They may grow anxious if they are uncertain about what is coming. This uncertainty might be a trigger for a tantrum. Explain what is happening to them by using a simple three-step plan. This is a very helpful strategy to reduce uncertainty for them. First, we are going to the shop, then going to see grandad, after that we are going to the playground. First, we are taking Jack to school, then we are going for a walk. After that, we are going home for lunch. Sometimes, sticking visuals/photos representing upcoming planned activities onto a laminated card is a great way to support toddlers who like certainty. Only use three at a time. Velcro is a great tool for this.
#5 Offer Choice:
Offering choice to toddlers helps them to feel in control. The act of making a choice builds in a cooperation momentum with you straight away. Do you want the red spoon or the blue spoon?
Do you want carrot or broccoli first? Will we walk or hop to the door? Always limit the choice to two options, as any more options will complicate things and may cause frustration.
#6 Label and Model:
Be very careful that you don’t label your toddler as “bold”. When we label children, they will undoubtedly take on that role. Sometimes we deliver attention to toddlers when they are doing things that are unsafe, and we may label that behaviour as “bold” or call them bold. Children and toddlers do things to get our attention, and if we deliver this attention contingent on “bold” behaviour all the time, this is what we will see all the time. Rather, relabel behaviour as “unsafe” behaviour.
Be careful, that’s not safe. A big boy/girl does safe things, they don’t do that.
Do this instead:
Show them the alternative. As soon as you see them following your instruction, immediately attend to that very positive choice they made. Well done, that’s what a big boy/girl does. Good for you, high five!!
Also, it’s okay for us to feel anger. It is a very normal emotion that we all feel. The problems arise when we act out that anger. You can model the best choices to make when we feel angry. Do a little role-play by showing them your reactions when things go wrong for you. Label for them what is happening. For example.
“Oh no, Mommy, can’t reach the plate…. Grghhhhh Mommy is feeling angry, …. She can’t get what she wants. Mommy feels like she’s going to have a meltdown. What should I do? I know I will draw a circle slowly in the air with my finger and breathe in and out”. Do this action yourself and ask them to copy you. Model this regularly for them every day to show them we can make choices when we are getting angry. Make sure you give them lots of praise and attention when you see them using this strategy. Always prompt them to use this strategy if you see any onset of the tantrum phases.
#7 Positive Reinforcement:
The process of positive reinforcement can influence all behaviour. This means that we will do things if we know there will be access to a thing we enjoy (reinforcer) to follow. The key to this for toddlers is to make sure that you are always up to date with what their reinforcers are at any given time. Their interests and their tastes are changing daily. Always have an effective reinforcer in your bag of tricks and close to you (their favourite toy, your attention, high fives, tickles, swingies, raisins). Remember that most of the time, it is your attention and praise that is most reinforcing for your toddler. Don’t be afraid to dole this out regularly.
#8 First/Then:
First/Then is a very effective technique, which involves the application of positive reinforcement. This means, if you do this thing first, then you will receive the thing that you want. (the reinforcer).
Examples of this include:
First, eat your broccoli and carrots, then there is ice-cream.
First, brush your teeth then we will play with dolly.
First leave the car, then when we get inside we will play with your Thomas the Tank.
The key to First/Then is to make sure that the Then is an activity or thing that it really motivated your toddler to engage with. If this strategy does not work for you, it’s because the Then part is not what they are motivated by.
#9 Behaviour Momentum:
If you have a toddler who roots themselves to the spot when you need them to move along, Behaviour Momentum is a great way to shift them. Behaviour Momentum is basically an application of “Simon Says”. We start by getting them to copy some of our movements.
For example:
Do this (clap your hands) They copy you.
Do this (tap your head) They copy you.
Do this (stamp your feet) They copy you.
Do this (sing a song and stamp your feet) They copy you
Do this (sing a song and start moving quickly towards your destination). Typically, they should follow you. If you also have a reinforcer with you, it is likely they will follow!!!
#10 Code Red:
If code-red happens, what should you do? The golden rule is to keep your child safe, intervene at any moment you are concerned about their safety. Try and ignore the behaviour, orientate away from them whilst at the same time monitoring what is happening. As soon as you see them coming around, ask them to make a choice or do something simple for you, like put something in the bin. This small interaction should support them to co-operate with you again. Immediately praise them for their co-operative behaviour. Don’t mention the tantrum. There is no need to. Your message will be clear by ignoring the undesired behaviour and immediately attending to the co-operative behaviour.
